June 2022
About Integrity
I lied poorly to my dad once; I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. He caught me and was most upset not with the action about which I was ashamed, but with the fact that I lied. I have never forgotten that disappointment; it was the last time I lied.
I don’t know the origin, but I once heard, “When you tell the truth, you have less to remember.”
Still, I am flabergasted when I encounter people lying. I was once asked to lie about an event as an excuse for a “positive spin.” I had to text the company president to say I would not lie to clients; thankfully I was supported.
On Faith
Believing in God and in Jesus Christ has always been easy for me. I feel God’s presence; I pray regularly. As the son of God, Jesus’ point was to disrupt man’s off-course thinking with His teachings, which are His direction for our life, to be His disciple.
High school age was an impressionable time. I was active in the United Methodist youth, AKA “UMY,” which spilled out into a number of summer camp experiences where singing, studying and socializing came together in a very tanigble spiritual experience, not to mention strong interperson relationships with campers, as well as a few young romantic relationships. These experiences honed my beliefs.
While I never lost faith, I did part ways with the Methodist Church when it came time for confirmation: I felt there was too much organization and top-down messaging; I was niave to the workings of mainstream churches, but still parted ways.
Concetta and I taked about our individual faith beliefs early in our relationship. I was conforted by the ease at which we talked so deeply and that while we had some differences, we were very much aligned in the importance of faith in our life, even without an active church membership.
. . .
As I write this, I’m facing multiple health issues: diabetes and its gift of a frozen right shoulder, sleep apnea, chronic immune thrombocytopenia (low plateletes). I don’t feel the need to ask God why: that’s his business. It’s for me to take these challenges and make the most of my life anyway, to muddle through if necessary, but be strong and still contribute to the family, to work, to society. I accept these health challenges as God-given, but it’s up to me to work with and through those conditions.
I don’t believe that God answers prayers of individuals; I think it’s proposterous that we can tell God to do our bidding. Albert Einstein, after developing his theory of relativity, was perplexted by the counterintuitive Quantum Mechanics theory of randomness; Einstein is said to have uttered, “God does not play dice with the universe.” At the heart of his theories was an orderly cosmos.
I think our lives are preplanned, but I do appreciate the positives. Perhaps prayer is just meditation that puts our own mind in the right place. I pray mostly about gratitude: the roof over our head, the comfy bed, and a stomach full of bread.
Despite the heavenly preplanning, there is a dichotomy due in part to human perception. We can’t experience God or heaven with our limited consciousness. But we still have to do our best within our abilities and experiences to follow Jesus – that was his message to us, not do what you want, you’ll be forgiven anyway. This was explained by my mother in her letter to Ray Balcomb, which became the genesis of her memorial service sermon.
Day-to-day Living
My mother’s death was so very devistating. I felt deep sadness for over a year; I am reminded of her absence when there are significant events in my life and the life of the family that I wish I could share with her.
I partially resolved her death by never looking back. I don’t save memories of disagreements with Concetta (or anyone else.)
What would it be like to be facing an imminent mortality due to an advanced cancer or something else? There would be disappointment: i didn’t do enough for others; i didn’t get to check off the bucket list; i didn’t travel; i argued with Concetta too much; i never told people how much I appreciated them just for who they are; i left my family and friends sad.
Despite the disappointments, I will always be happy knowing I got to meet, get to know and spend my mornings waking up next to Concetta, that I helped raise two smart and thoughtful daughters and got to see them become adults, that I shared good times with friends, that I served God and my community — sometimes a sandwich or banana at a time. I was dedicated to my co-workers’ success, leveraging my experience to bring about innovations.
Sometimes, the weight of my health concerns causes me to think I won’t get to see 90, 80 or even 70. But I am thankful for today.